My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
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Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.