My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
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I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
We avoided this particular disaster
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…