I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
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Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Had a spot of bother earlier.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
A game married people play.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect