People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.