For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
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In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
if a cop pulls u over play dead