What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
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Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.