Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
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Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
🙂🙃🥹
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.