poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata