Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
(yawn)
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
😂💯
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*