Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
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4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.