Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
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Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
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Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”