[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
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I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back