British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
You Might Also Like
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
seems like a niche market
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
WHY would you be happy about this?
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.