Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
You Might Also Like
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
This is my brand.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo