Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime