This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
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Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae