there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
You Might Also Like
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
He-man has a Masters degree
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.