The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
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“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Time for evil