King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
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12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Rooting for the overdog
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father