Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
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A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
No chill.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Watermelon Boss!
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]