The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
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me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit