The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
guys i’ve cracked the code
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza