I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
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Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
are they though??
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Beauty and the Beast
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.