saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Holy shit he’s back
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns