what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
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It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding