It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
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When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
adding to the discourse
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
o shit
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
When I laugh on my period
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.