People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
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Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Breaking news:
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done