After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
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Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Lmfao
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.