If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
All excellent questions
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.