The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
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Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at