Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
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Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Xylophonist Shredding It
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Venn
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Nose
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
that’s really how it is
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?