“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
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A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.