…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
#dnd #ttrpg
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site