I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
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Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I think about this a lot
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
tinder is all about the long game
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
True freaking story!
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it