Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away