I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
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2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.