I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
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My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
happy friday