I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
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My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
May have had one breakfast too many
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Passwords are more important than ever.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.