my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
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I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds