Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
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i hope my email finds you on fire
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Breaking news:
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed