14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
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my mind
You just read my mind
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
repaired
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
first you must answer his riddles
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Oops
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.