Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
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Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working