Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
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My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
look at me when i’m typing to you
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.