It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
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The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Rich People Podcasts are wild.