Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
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I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
All. The. Damn. Time.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.