[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
FRED: right
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*