my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
When you let grandma cat sit
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I think I’m having a stroke
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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