* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
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CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
“The Perfect Relationship”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
*pronounces UPS like yoops
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women