Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
You Might Also Like
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
inside you are two wolves
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.