Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
This makes total sense…
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I support this random dude and all his protests
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”